Once upon a time there was a cow

The Truth About DRAGONBALL Z!

brought to you in part by West Capital City : A Vegeta Lover's Asylum! Yayyy!!

Once upon a time there was a cow. The cow’s name was Slappy, and he was a happy cow…but that’s not what this story’s about.

I’ll bet most of you people don’t know that Vegeta is Canadian, do you? I didn’t think so. I know what you are all thinking. “What the hell?!”, but really, I’m serious. I mean, yeah, he’s in a Japanese cartoon, and they told you that he was an alien from the planet Vegeta, but, well, they lied. Vegeta was born in a small town in Quebec in the year 1962. That would make him 38 years old. Well, anyway, I’m here to tell you the REAL story of Vegeta.

First of all, he’s addicted to porn. You can see him in almost any sex shop in Japan. And, he’s gay. Yup, the number one ass-kicking anime character in the known universe is…well, an ass pirate. I know, I know, he was going around with Bulma and she had Trunks and Bra, but you know what? That was just a cover-up!! In reality, Vegeta and Trunks were lovers for a while! It ended n a messy breakup, and Vegeta still gets weepy about it sometimes.

Another little known fact about Vegeta is that his real name is Bob. Yes, plain old Bob. “Vegeta” is just his stage name, and he actually prefers Bob to Vegeta. And, he has Turret’s Syndrome. That’s why he screams so much. He’s not really pissed, he just forgot to take his medication!

Vegeta is also bald. Bald as a cue ball. Actually, his nickname is “Chrome Dome”. That nappy hair of his is really a bad wig.

His favorite movie is Deliverance, his favorite food is guacamole, and his favorite song is “Don’t rain on my parade” by Barbara Streisand. He’s actually a really big fan of hers! He’s also partial to Bette Midler, and secretly refers to himself as “The Divine Ms. V”.

And another very little known fact is that Goku is the real badass in real life! I know he looks like a total puss on the screen, but off stage, he’s one of those guys you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley. You see, he’s addicted to crack cocaine. He would do anything to get his fix. He also beats the living snot out of Chi-Chi, and can’t stand his kids. He sexually molested Gohan as a kid, and, well, that kid’s a WHOLE different story! Let’s just say he really loves animals (but not in a way that the World Wildlife Federation would approve of, if you catch my drift…).

Chi-Chi has been forced to take up prostitution to feed her husband’s addiction, and has had 82 abortions this year alone. She’s a real trooper, though!

Yamucha is also really a Harvard grad! Actually, he and piccolo are lovers. They plan to be wed in the year 2003. Oh yeah, and that little rumor about Namek’s not having any gender is really a lie. The women are just really butch. Piccolo is really female. She’s just a big gal. You see, that’s why she never has any facial hair! Everyone else just shaves.

King Kai is also an odd case. You see, he’s really just an over-grown, deformed smurf. They kicked him out of Smurf Village because he was just too damn annoying! He was Cerebral-palsy smurf. He was the end product of too much in-breading. You know what I mean! There’s just a ton of male smurfs, and just that lone female! (Well, the little girl too, but she hasn’t even hit puberty yet, so she doesn’t count.). Brainy smurf is actually King Kai’s father (believe it or not.), but he disowned his poor misshapen son. Bubbles is really married to King Kai. (I told you he was retarded!)

Chouzou. Now here’s an interesting case! He’s really Krillen’s little brother! You see, back in “The Day”, they were a great circus act with a little-known traveling show. Krillen and Chouzou were acrobatic clowns, but they were completely unemployed when the circus went bankrupt. So—they found a job as part of the cast of DBZ. They always wanted to act! But, even though they had found new jobs, Chouzou just couldn’t give up his clown makeup. This is why he looks like that. Also, I’m surprised that no one else has figured this out yet! I mean, look at the similarities, man! They’re both short. They both have no noses. They are both bald. I mean, it’s so obvious!

Tienishan is about the only normal person in the whole cast. He actually is married to Lunch, and they live in a small house in the suburbs. It’s quite nice, actually. They have a dog, two cats, and a monkey.

And, well, the whole point of my enlightening you of the real lives of our favorite anime characters is not that they’re just a whole bunch of fucked up retards and queers. The real point of this is that the drummer from Def Leppard only has one arm.

THE END

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