“The Phantom of Tokyo Opera”

                                                                             By Tanassa  

Based on “The Phantom of the Opera” by >>PLUUUG!!<< the greatest composer of all time, Andrew Lloyd Webber!! Oh yeah and there's Charles Hart… and that Richard Stilgoe guy… but who cares about *them*?

Dramatis Personae
 

PHANTOM: Vegeta

CHRISTINE: Bulma

RAOUL: Yamcha

CARLOTTA: Chichi

PIANGI: Goku

MME. GIRY: Master Roshi

MEG GIRY: Krillin

FIRMIN: Kami

ANDRE: King Kai

JOSEPH BUQUET: Tien

EXTRAS: Gohan, Goten, Trunks, Chaozu, Yaijerobe, Oolong, Puar, Corin, Mr. Popo

ACT I

Scene 1: Rehearsals for “Hannibal”

(We see general pandemonium on a stage—CHICHI is attempting to sing while GOTEN and
TRUNKS break every instrument in the orchestra pit. BULMA is skipping around gaily in a very short tutu. GOHAN and YAIJEROBE also sport tutus—GOHAN looks mortified, and YAIJEROBE is munching on a donut. KAMI and KING KAI are looking around, genuinely confused, and GOKU is running around in a long, gilded robe. MITOGO and PICCOLO are sitting in the audience, attempting to direct the play.)

CHICHI (holding a replica of Frieza’s head and failing miserably at singing): This trophy, from our saviors, from our saaaaviooooors, from the enslaaaviiing fooorce ooof Fr—ack!

(Chichi jumps out of the way as Tien and Chaozu careen by in half of a mechanized elephant. They obliviously pass her by and continue speeding in eccentric circles around the stage.)

MITOGO (quietly, to PICCOLO): Maybe we should just skip to “Think of Me”.

PICCOLO (has no idea what’s going on): Uh… sure.

MITOGO: King Kai, just skip to “Think of Me”.

KING KAI: Okay. Wouldn't want Chichi to go flat… I mean, splat! (He begins chuckling and snorting insanely as he motions to GOTEN on the piano. GOTEN pounds the keyboard mercilessly, having no semblance of playing actual notes.)

CHICHI (singing over the din): Think of meeeee, think of me fooondly, when we’ve said good-bye…

(Suddenly a wildly painted backdrop crashes down on her head. She staggers in shock.)

TRUNKS (shouts gleefully): DADDY!!!

CHICHI (pissed): That’s it! No one is listening to me! I’M LEAVING!!! (She storms out, with GOKU tagging along behind her.)

(KING KAI shrugs and KAMI swears under his breath. Just then, KRILLIN enters. He sports a ruffly tutu of pink taffeta and matching tights. The tutu makes crinkly noises as he waddles over to KAMI and KING KAI.)

KRILLIN: Um… Bul—Christine could sing Chi—I mean—Carlotta’s part.

KING KAI: Great!

KAMI (wearily): Oh joy.

BULMA (singing twice as loud as CHICHI and just as bad): Think of meeee, think of me fooondly, wheeen we’ve said good-byyyye…

(The scene transforms into that night’s gala performance of “Hannibal”. The focus moves to YAMCHA, watching from the audience.)

YAMCHA: Hey, is that Bulma? Yeah, it is! BOY is she bad…

BULMA: …Promise meeeeeee  that soooometime, you will thiiiink…

(She emits a series of random high-pitched screeches on the syllable ‘of’ that don't really sound like singing notes. Then she moves on to the grand finale.) …MEEEE!!!

Scene 2
 

(BULMA, alone in an empty hallway.)

VEGETA’S VOICE (scornfully): That was terrible! If I ever hear you sing like that again…

(VEGETA is cut off by the entrance of KRILLIN, who waddles over to BULMA.)

KRILLIN: Where have you been? Yamcha is looking for you.

BULMA (surprised, yet ecstatic): YAMCHA is HERE?!

KRILLIN: Yeah… I mean, Raoul is here.

BULMA: Yeah…right. (She runs off to find YAMCHA.)

(Just then MASTER ROSHI appears, looking very perturbed in a stark black dress.)

ROSHI: Krillin! Why aren’t you dancing with the rest of us?!

KRILLIN: Aw, man, this is nuts!

Scene 3

(BULMA’S dressing room. She and YAMCHA are recalling the past.)

YAMCHA: Yeah, I remember back in the day when we used to go on those dragonball hunts…

BULMA (leading him on): Dad would be working on a new Capsule…

YAMCHA: …And we met Goku!

BULMA (disappointed; was hoping for a different response): …Yeah.

YAMCHA (oblivious): Well, I’m gonna get my hat—and you’re gonna get changed, and we’ll have a little celebration! (Before BULMA can argue, he leaves.)

(As soon as YAMCHA is gone, VEGETA enters via BULMA’S dressing room mirror. He wears all black, including a long, flowing cape. On his head is a tall top hat.)

TANASSA (in the audience; cat calls and wolf whistles): YEAH!! VEGETA!! I LOVE YOU!!!

VEGETA (temporarily loses his composure, but soon recovers): Right, now that he’s gone, we can get down to business! (He grabs a very confused BULMA by the wrist and leads her through the mirror and down a dark stairway.)

(Five minutes later, YAMCHA returns to the empty dressing room. He wears a too-small tuxedo and carries a bouquet of wilting red roses.)

YAMCHA (confused): Eh… Bulma? Christine? Anybody?

(VEGETA and BULMA are on a makeshift boat that looks surprisingly like a bed. It appears that VEGETA is steering the “boat” in circles around the stage. The couple are surrounded by millions of candles.)

BULMA: What the hell are you doing?!

VEGETA: Kidnapping you.

BULMA: Why?

VEGETA: Because I’m supposed to.

BULMA (pauses, cut to the quick, then presses on): Aren’t we supposed to be singing about now?

VEGETA (coldly): I don’t sing.

MITOGO (watching from the audience; smacks herself on the forehead): Remind me why we cast Vegeta as the Phantom.

PICCOLO (floating cross-legged above his chair, meditating. Snaps out of it and plunks back into his seat.): Huh? Oh… because Bulma wanted to be Christine.

MITOGO: This was a VERY bad idea.

(By now VEGETA and BULMA have reached his lair. They step out of the boat, which magically transforms into a bed. An organ rises up from the floor. VEGETA sits down at it.)

VEGETA: NOW I’m gonna teach you how to sing.

(BULMA is examining the room and not paying him the slightest attention. She comes upon a wax mannequin that looks like her in a wedding dress.)

BULMA (pointing to the dummy): What’s this?

VEGETA (gets very red in the face and rushes to cover up the mannequin): Uh… nothing!

BULMA (tries to look behind him to see the dummy again): It looked like me…

VEGETA: I told you, it’s nothing. I… uh… Boo! (He pushes the mannequin forward so that it falls onto BULMA into a cold embrace. She screams and faints onto the bed.)

VEGETA: At least she’ll shut up now.

Scene 5

(The next morning. Vegeta is pounding the organ angrily. Every once and while he loses it and zaps a candle or two to vent his frustration. This is getting dangerously close to a fire hazard. As this goes on, BULMA awakes.)

BULMA: Where am I? Who is that guy in the top hat?! (Quietly she sneaks over to VEGETA and rips his hat off, revealing a wild mess of the worst Saiyan bad hair.)

VEGETA (embarrassed): Dammit, what did you do that for?! I’m having a bad hair day, okay?! Now gimme that back!

BULMA (slyly): I think your hair looks cute like that.

VEGETA: Cute! CUTE?! Give me my hat! (He grabs the hat and pulls it down over his hair.) Alright, no singing lesson for today! Let’s get you back to the theater. (They exit.)

Scene 6

(The theater. TIEN is dressed in a very bad imitation of VEGETA, wearing a thick black cloth tied around his neck. The “chorus girls” are seated around him on the floor. GOHAN has somehow secured a pair of jeans, but still wears a white leotard, which looks very uncomfortable. KRILLIN is fidgeting in his pink tights. GOTEN is sucking on one of his Pointe shoes and TRUNKS is amusing himself by tearing off bits of his tutu and throwing them up in the air. YAIJEROBE is eating a donut.)

TIEN: Veg—I mean, the Phantom is so UGLY!! He’s got this widow’s peak that goes halfway up his head, and his HAIR… well, we won’t even GO there. Now, watch this—this is how he’ll try to catch you. (He shoots a burst of energy, then phases into the line of fire. He gets blasted.) Eh… yeah. Beware the Phantom!

(No one in TIEN’S audience has been paying him the slightest attention. Just then, VEGETA and BULMA emerge from the shadows; they have witnessed the entire performance. VEGETA fixes TIEN with a cold stare, then leads the perplexed BULMA away.)

TRUNKS (shrieks delightedly): DADDY!!!!

(MASTER ROSHI enters, his black dress sweeping behind him.)

ROSHI (bonks TIEN on the head with his cane): You idiot! You should know better than to oppose Vegeta!

Scene 7

(A crowded office littered with papers. KAMI is filing through them.)

KAMI: This is insane,. First Chichi leaves, then Bulma disappears! What next?!

(Enter KING KAI.)

KING KAI: After all this runaround, we should be quite dizzy! (Covers his mouth and begins giggling insanely.)

KAMI (sighs): Oh brother. (Discovers two letters on his desk.) Oh… it seems we’ve received some notes from “the Phantom”.

KING KAI: Gimme, gimme! (Snatches his letter and reads it aloud.) “Your dancers suck. The only good part about the gala was Bulma.”

KAMI (reluctantly opens his note and reads aloud as well): “Give me money.”

KING KAI (after a pause): Well that was odd…

KAMI: Why do I get the feeling Vegeta is using us?

(Suddenly YAMCHA bursts in, carrying a letter.)

YAMCHA: Alright, where’s Bulma?!

KING KAI (shrugs): Search us. On second thought… don’t. Wouldn’t want to get TOO intimate… (begins laughing again)

KAMI (feels as though he’s the only sane person there): Why do you ask?

YAMCHA: I have this note—

KAMI (groans): Let me see it.
 
 

 “Bulma is MINE! Don’t even THINK of her, ever again!”

KING KAI: Pretty direct, don’t you think?

(Now CHICHI storms in, also brandishing a note.)

CHICHI: Alright, what is all this garbage?!

KAMI (wearily): Another note?

KING KAI: I wanna read it this time!!

(CHICHI willingly hands him the note and he reads it aloud.)

“Bulma is a much better singer than you. You will never sing in the Tokyo Opera House again!”

KAMI: This is getting redundant…

(Just then, MASTER ROSHI enters, with KRILLIN tagging along behind.)

ROSHI: Hey, Bulma is back!

KING KAI: What is this, a party? Too bad I didn’t bring drinks…

YAMCHA (anxiously): Where’s Bulma?

ROSHI: Capsule Corporation.

KRILLIN: She was really worn out.

YAMCHA: I’ll go see her…

ROSHI: I don’t think she’ll let you in.

CHICHI: Will she sing?

ROSHI: Look, I have this note—

YAMCHA/CHICHI/KING KAI: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

KAMI (snatches the note from MASTER ROSHI): I’ll read it, thank you! (Opens the note and reads.) “Alright, here’s the deal. Bulma is going to sing the Countess’ part in ‘Il Muto’ tonight, and Chichi will play the dinky mute pageboy. I’m watching you! You don’t do what I say, and bad things happen. Mighty Prince of the Saiyans, Vegeta.”

CHICHI (in a fit of rage, stamps her feet and hops around angrily): I wanna be the Countess! I wanna be the Countess! It’s not faaaaair!! (Starts bawling in an uncanny resemblance to Sailor Moon.)

(Kami smacks himself on the forehead and begins muttering about ‘why do I put up with these humans?’)

KING KAI (attempting to placate CHICHI): Don’t worry, you’ll get to sing…

YAMCHA (wonders to himself): Where did Bulma go, and why won’t she talk to me?

KAMI: When will we ever have order…?

(Everyone is talking at once and no one is listening. Suddenly, KING KAI calls for attention.)

KING KAI: SHUT UP!! (After quieting the mob, lies through his teeth.) Chichi, you are a much better singer than Bulma and YOU will be the Countess in tonight’s performance!

CHICHI: YAAAAAY!!!

ROSHI: This is a very bad idea…

KRILLIN: Aw, man, this is nuts!

KING KAI: Vegeta is crazy…

KAMI: I have a very bad feeling about this…

YAMCHA: Bulma has been acting so strange lately…

CHICHI (chanting happily): I get to be the Countess! I get to be the Countess!

(Again, general pandemonium. This continues for several minutes. Suddenly, however, VEGETA’S voice is heard over the din.)

VEGETA’S VOICE: You’re gonna get it now! I told you bad things would happen!

CHICHI (still chanting, not hearing VEGETA): I get to be the Countess! I get to be the Countess!

Scene 8: Performance of “Il Muto”

(The stage is set in 18th-century style. In the middle of the room is an elaborately decorated bed. CHICHI and BULMA are seated on it. CHICHI is garbed in a huge, fluffy dress that is much too big for her, and BULMA is dressed as a smutty pageboy.)

CHICHI (trying to be dramatic): Kiss me, Serafimo!!

BULMA (shocked, slaps CHICHI): Sicko! (Turns to the directors.) Is this in the script?!

MITOGO: I’m afraid it is.

CHICHI (to BULMA): YOU’RE not supposed to TALK, you little billy-goat! (Also looks at the directors.) Is that it? Goat?

MITOGO (prompts her): Little toad! Little toad!

CHICHI: Oh, that’s right. (To BULMA) YOUR part is SILENT, little toad!

VEGETA’S VOICE: Who’re you calling a toad?! YOU look more like a damned frog than Bulma!

(CHICHI sticks her tongue out in the voice’s general direction, then returns to the play.)

CHICHI: Kiss me, Serafimo!!

VEGETA’S VOICE: Alright, that’s IT!! I won’t have no Kakarot’s wife kissing my girl!!!

(Out of nowhere, a ki blast hits CHICHI, who promptly falls over, out cold. GOKU runs onstage.)

GOKU: Chichi, are you okay?! I’m here… you’re going to be just fine…

(GOKU drags CHICHI offstage. KAMI and KING KAI rush onstage to smooth the situation.)

KAMI: No need to be alarmed… ah… In ten minutes we’ll have Bulma playing the Countess and… ah…. now we will have the Dance of the Country Frogs!—er… Nymphs!

(GOTEN, TRUNKS, KRILLIN and YAIJEROBE flutter onstage, followed by a ‘too-cool-for-you’ GOHAN. He has somehow found a “Dragon Ball Z” shirt and wears it instead of a leotard. As the “chorus girls” bounce around the stage, we hear a scream and the charred body of TIEN drops to the floor.)

TRUNKS (screams with joy): DADDY!!!

(General pandemonium erupts from the incident. CHAOZU, appearing out of nowhere, floats over and begins sobbing miserably over TIEN’S blackened body. Somehow, YAMCHA manages to get to BULMA.)

BULMA: Let’s go to the roof!

YAMCHA: Eh… okay…

Scene 9

(YAMCHA and BULMA emerge on the roof. Unseen, VEGETA watches from behind a statue.)

YAMCHA: What the hell is going on?!

BULMA (confused): What do you mean?

YAMCHA: First you disappear, then you come back and won’t talk to me, then you convince me to run away when you should be down there performing! Did I miss something?!

BULMA: It’s Vegeta—the Phantom of Tokyo Opera. He’s after me!

YAMCHA: This is insane! The Phantom of Tokyo Opera is a myth!

BULMA: No, he’s real! I saw him! That hair… can I ever forget…?

YAMCHA (making his move): Don’t worry—I’m here now—you’re safe…

BULMA (leans into YAMCHA’S arms): Oh Yamcha…

YAMCHA: Bulma…

BULMA: Yamcha…

YAMCHA: Bulma…

BULMA: Yamcha…

(Suddenly, VEGETA jumps out from behind the statue.)

VEGETA: This is disgusting! Now I TOLD you to stay away from my girl! (VEGETA walks right up to YAMCHA and pushes him off the roof. We hear him hit the ground with a loud thud. VEGETA then turns to a very frightened BULMA.)

VEGETA: Now YOU are going to go down there and SING! (He storms off, leaving BULMA alone on the roof.)

(Ten minutes later, BULMA shows up on the stage dressed as the Countess. As she is about to sing, CHAOZU spots VEGETA on the chandelier, watching eagerly. In a moment of vengeful insanity, CHAOZU shoots an energy blast at VEGETA. The Phantom phases out long before the blast hits, but the chandelier isn’t so lucky and it explodes in a brilliant display of fireworks.)

ACT II

Scene 1

(A great masquerade ball. We see all of our favorite characters in fantastic costumes—GOHAN has come as Joseph in an Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and GOTEN is dressed as Sailor Moon with TRUNKS as his sidekick, Tuxedo Mask. KRILLIN is disguised as Frieza, while MASTER ROSHI has come to the masque as Madonna. YAIJEROBE hovers around the refreshment tables in a tattered pink tutu and CHAOZU is dressed in all black, still mourning for his lost companion. In the middle of the festivities, KAMI and KING KAI also emerge. They are both costumed as Darth Vader. Nervously, they approach each other.)

KAMI: Is that you, King Kai?

KING KAI: Kami… Help me take this mask off… (Somehow the two manage to remove each other’s masks, which they then tote under their arms.)

KAMI (sarcastically): I’m so glad all that madness is finally behind us.

KING KAI (grabs a handful of cookies from the refreshment table): Yeah, isn’t it great?

(Suddenly an odd assembly marches by. It consists of Oolong, who is dressed as a monkey in battered Saiyan armor, Puar, masquerading as Anakin Skywalker, Corin, who looks surprisingly like White Blaze from “Ronin Warriors” and Mr. Popo who is, of course, a mime. They carry with them a set of cymbals, a drum, a triangle and bells, which they play wildly throughout the ball.)

(Just then, YAMCHA limps up in a full body cast, supported by two heavy crutches. He is grinning stupidly as BULMA admires the engagement ring on her finger.)

BULMA: Oh Yamcha, I’m so happy! (She hugs him and he screams in pain. She backs off, embarrassed.) Sorry.

YAMCHA (painfully): It’s okay. I’m just glad we’re finally getting married!

BULMA (dreamily): Yeah… and that awful past is behind us.

(Suddenly the music leads into a waltz tune and GOTEN and TRUNKS begin dancing like idiots around the hall.)

BULMA (sighs heavily): I wish we could dance.

YAMCHA: Sorry.

(And then, in the middle of all the celebration, VEGETA appears. His costume is that of his father, King Vegeta. He has a dicolored red-and-blue cape and his shiny Saiyan armor is adorned with the royal crest. Around his neck is a turquoise medallion. The festivities stop dead and everyone stares at him.)

VEGETA (offended): What? I just came to enjoy the party… (Pulls a manuscript out of… somewhere and tosses it to KAMI.) I… uh… (cough cough) wrote this… (cough cough) opera. I want you to perform it!

(Just then he sees YAMCHA and BULMA, both looking very scared. He stalks over to them and, smirking evilly, kicks one of YAMCHA’S crutches out from under him so that he crashes to the floor. Then VEGETA turns to BULMA.)

VEGETA: Nice ring. (He grabs her hand and removes the ring, tossing it away so that it lands in the punchbowl. Points at BULMA menacingly.) You’re still my girl and nobody else’s, got that? (He phases out and is gone.)

(YAIJEROBE, oblivious to what has just occurred, ladles himself some punch with the ring in it. He drinks the punch and immediately begins to choke. However, everyone is so stunned by the recent events that no one notices him rolling around on the floor with his face turning blue.)

Scene 2

(The managers' office again. KAMI is paging through VEGETA'S manuscript. KING KAI is performing the Heimlich maneuver on YAIJEROBE.)

KAMI: This has to be the most insane play I have ever read.

(KING KAI jumps on YAIJEROBE'S stomach. A ring pops out of YAIJEROBE'S mouth, bounces off KAMI'S forehead and loops around one of KING KAI'S antennae.)

KING KAI: (pulls the ring off his antenna): Nice shot! (begins giggling like an idiot)

(KAMI shakes his head, unable to believe that the great KING KAI could act so stupid. Suddenly he finds two letters on his desk.)

KAMI (reluctantly): It seems "the Phantom" has visited us again. (He hands a note to KING KAI.)

KING KAI (manages to stop laughing): Hmm… "I don't know whose idea it was to put Goten and Trunks in charge of the orchestra, but you need to get some real accompanists before you perform my play."

KAMI (in turn, reads his note): "Although I wish I had a better cast to work with, I have assigned all the roles in the play. Don't worry about it—the bad people got minor parts."
(Just then, CHICHI bursts in, followed by a reluctant GOKU.)

CHICHI (waves a letter in the air): THIS is INSULTING!!

KAMI (tired of this whole affair): Here we go again…

KING KAI: Well don't get your hair in a knot… oh wait—it already is!

GOKU (defensive): Her part IS pretty small…

CHICHI (insanely aggravated): I'm a freaking CHORUS MEMBER!!!!!

KAMI: All this yelling…

(Now BULMA enters as well, with YAMCHA following in a wheelchair. CHICHI begins to grumble incoherently.)

KING KAI: Well if it isn't our new prima donna!

KAMI (blandly): Congratulations, Bulma. You have the female lead in Vegeta's "Don Juan".

CHICHI (under her breath): Bitch.

GOKU: Chichi, that wasn't very nice!

BULMA: What wasn't very nice?

KING KAI: Ah…

(They group falls into an uncomfortable silence. Suddenly, MASTER ROSHI and KRILLIN enter. KRILLIN is wearing a set of armor instead of a tutu.)

ROSHI: Um… I have another note from Vegeta…

KAMI: YOU read it.

ROSHI: "Before you start rehearsing my play, we need to fix a few things. Chichi needs to learn to sing, and Kakarot needs to be less nice to play his part right. Oh, and I'd like it if Bulma came back to visit me… maybe we could have some more singing lessons… Almighty Prince of the Saiyans, Vegeta."

YAMCHA: Hey—I have an idea!

(Everyone looks as shocked as they should be.)

YAMCHA: If we perform Vegeta's play, and Bulma's in it, Vegeta will come to watch her! Then we can catch him!

KING KAI: Great idea!

BULMA (hesitant): I don't know… (looks at YAMCHA, who has a puppy-dog expression of pleading on his face) Well… okay. I've always wanted to play the lead!

(CHICHI mutters something very naughty under her breath.)

KING KAI (not hearing her): All right! Hey, I brought drinks this time! (He produces two six packs of root beer. The crew falls upon them eagerly.)

YAMCHA (plotting evil things): NOW I'll get Vegeta back for what he did to me…

Scene 3: Rehearsals for "Don Juan"

(The stage is disorderly as usual. MASTER ROSHI is observing quietly. GOTEN and TRUNKS are crawling over the remnants of the broken instruments. YAIJEROBE is eating a stale cookie from the masquerade ball. BULMA, CHICHI and GOKU are standing next to a piano, and PICCOLO is seated at the piano.)

MITOGO (confused): Piccolo, what are you doing up there?

PICCOLO: We didn't have anyone to play Reyer.

MITOGO: We didn't need Reyer in the opening scene… why do we need him now?

TANASSA (sitting directly behind MITOGO; bops her on the head): Shut up! I like this part!

MITOGO (very confused—this is their first production): What?

PICCOLO (in character now): No, no, you're doing it all wrong! Goku, here's the line. (Grunts something that almost sounds like singing) 'Those who tangle with Don Juan…' Try it.

GOKU (can't sing worth a dead monkey's ass): Those who TANgle with DON JUAAAAN!!

PICCOLO (shakes his head in disgust): Close, but no dragonball. 'Those who tan, tan, tan…'

GOKU (not even close to singing, let alone singing it right): Those who TANGLE with DON JUAAAAAN!!!

CHICHI: Good job, Goku! It was much better that time…

ROSHI (sarcastically): About as much better as stepping on glass and then stepping on a nail…

CHICHI: Oh yeah?! You wanna fight about it, old man?!

ROSHI (uneasily): N-now let's not get hasty…

PICCOLO: BACK to the rehearsal… After san. Ichi, ni, san!

GOKU (he was never right anyway): THOSE WHO TANGLE WITH DON JUAAAANNN!!!

CHICHI (defensively): I STILL say HE sings it better!

BULMA (trying futilely to help GOKU sing): Try it again—'those who tan, tan, tan…"

CHICHI (imitating her mockingly in a horrible singing voice): Those who TANGLE with DON JUAAAAAN!!!!

PICCOLO (wearily): Crazy humans…

(Suddenly, there is a loud noise as all of the piano keys are played simultaneously. Curiously, there is no one seated at the piano.)

TRUNKS (squeals euphorically): DADDY!!!!

(Just then, the top of the piano opens to reveal GOTEN hidden inside.)

GOTEN: Oops.

(The stage erupts into general mayhem as usual. PICCOLO attempts to remove GOTEN from the piano strings. Meanwhile, BULMA begins slowly drifting away from the crowd. She exits and the scene ends.)

Scene 4

(Somehow, BULMA has wandered into a graveyard. She approaches a headstone marked with the Capsule Corporation logo.)

BULMA (talking to herself, it seems): Oh Daddy… I miss you so much. I wish you were here again… I could always come to you with my problems…

(Suddenly, DR. BRIEFS jumps out from behind the gravestone. BULMA nearly tips over and passes out.)

BRIEFS: Hey, Bulma! Did you miss me?!

BULMA (hisses in a whisper): Daddy! What are you doing here?! You're not supposed to be in this!!

BRIEFS: I just wanted to visit… see how you were doing…

BULMA: But you're supposed to be dead!

MITOGO (in the audience; slaps herself on the forehead): What is HE doing here?!

PICCOLO (recently returned from the brief moment on stage): Honestly, I have no idea.

MITOGO: Get him out of there! He's ruining everything!

(Compliantly, PICCOLO flies onstage, picks up DR. BRIEFS and brings him into the audience. Then he turns to the reader.)

PICCOLO: You didn't see that.

BULMA (regains her composure): Now where was I…?

(Just then VEGETA appears from behind the gravestone.)

VEGETA: Well hello again, Bulma. Did you miss me?

BULMA: Eh…

VEGETA: Of course you have. Now down to business…

(Suddenly YAMCHA appears in the shadows. He wheels himself remarkably quickly over to BULMA'S side in a protective stance.)

YAMCHA: Stay away from her you dirty monkey!

VEGETA (amused by the pithy YAMCHA, but insulted by his remark): Why I oughtta…

YAMCHA (too stupid to realize what deep shit he's in and temporarily forgetting his handicap): You ought to what? Come on—fight me!

BULMA: Please—guys, don't fight…

(But it is too late. VEGETA has been provoked and he shoots a ki blast that blows up YAMCHA'S wheelchair. YAMCHA shoots up into the air, then crashes down a few feet closer to VEGETA. VEGETA smirks triumphantly.)

TANASSA (in the audience): Woohoo!! Go Vegeta!!! Kill! Kill!!

(Somehow, YAMCHA pulls his miserable self up again. Out of nowhere he produces a pair of crutches and with them drags himself closer to VEGETA.)

VEGETA: You fool! When will you ever learn that you're no match for me?!

(VEGETA shoots another blast at YAMCHA that destroys one of his crutches. YAMCHA falters momentarily, but idiotically continues to propel himself forward on one crutch.)

VEGETA: This guy is most definitely obsessed.

BULMA (can't stand it any longer): Yamcha, stop! (She runs to him and pulls him away. Somehow they make a quick exit.)

VEGETA: Damn. Well, I'll have her yet…

Scene 5: Performance of "Don Juan Triumphant"

(The setting is the 16th century in the richly decorated home of 'Don Juan'. GOHAN and GOKU enter, dressed in period costume. They both look like morons.)

GOKU (happy as an oblivious idiot should be): So, 'Passarino', let's go over the plan again.

GOHAN (not having very much fun): Well, Da—eheh—Don Juan, you're going to hide while I pretend to be you, then the girl will come in, and then… I'll hide with you and wait. (Frowns and thinks about what he just said.) Why doesn't that make any sense? What am I doing here? Why don't YOU just get Bulma over here and get your money back or whatever? Why do I have to wear this idiotic costume?!?!

GOKU (softly, to himself): Eh… I don't think that's in the script… (Shrugs and continues on with the play.) Sounds like a good plan! I'll go hide! (Runs behind a curtain.)

(Unfortunately for GOKU, VEGETA has been waiting for him. The hapless GOKU is hit at point-blank range with a high-energy ki blast and will be hospitalized for a long period of time, as always. But the ki blast has made enough noise and light to catch everyone's attention… everyone, that is, except BULMA. She is entering as this takes place and looks very happy as she skips gaily to center stage.)

GOHAN (nervous and not sure what to do next): Uh… Don Juan?

VEGETA (behind the curtain, not even trying to sound like GOKU): Go away! I'll take care of everything!

GOHAN (mutters darkly as he walks offstage): That's not my dad!

BULMA (wonders aloud): Now where IS that Don Juan?

(Just then VEGETA enters. YAMCHA, KING KAI and KAMI gasp; they know immediately that it's not GOKU.)

VEGETA: So… you came.

BULMA: Well of course I came! Did you think I'd just sit around backstage and let you have all the fun?

VEGETA: But… but I'm not…

BULMA: Not 'Passarino'? Oh, I already knew that.

VEGETA: But how… how did you know?

BULMA (walks over to VEGETA and strokes his cheek): There's no mistaking that face.

(TANASSA, in the audience, is very pissed off by now. She begins muttering incoherently to herself, but the word 'whore' can be heard quite often.)

VEGETA (is getting very red and trying hard to contain himself): Oh Bulma… (Pulls a ring out of his pocket and slips it on her finger.) Bulma, will you marry me?

BULMA (quite shocked): I… uh… I don't know what to say… (Gets an idea.) Take that hat off first.

VEGETA: No—

(But it is too late. BULMA has laid a firm grip on his hat and she tears it off to reveal a mess of Saiyan hair worse than GOKU'S. Someone in the audience screams. VEGETA, embarrassed and angry, grabs BULMA and runs offstage.)

(As they exit, KRILLIN, CHICHI, KAMI and KING KAI rush onstage. KRILLIN finds GOKU'S charred body behind the curtain.)

KRILLIN: Oh, no! Goku!

CHICHI: What? What about Goku? Oh my god… Goku, what has he done to you? (Turns on KAMI and KING KAI.) YOU! This is all YOUR fault!! If you hadn't put us in this crazy play in the first place…

KAMI: But you wanted to be in the play…

KING KAI: This is bad, this is very bad…

(The focus moves to MASTER ROSHI, who hurries over to YAMCHA.)

ROSHI: Come on, Yamcha—follow me! I know where Vegeta lives!

YAMCHA (excited yet frightened): Take me to him!

Scene 6

(VEGETA and BULMA enter his lair again. VEGETA throws BULMA on the floor.)

VEGETA (still embarrassed): What did you go and do that for?!

BULMA (lamely): I wanted to see your hair I guess…

VEGETA: Geez, I told you before not to do that! Maybe I'll just keep you here forever… (Senses YAMCHA approaching.) Hmm… it seems our handicapped friend wants to play.

YAMCHA (drags himself up to VEGETA on his crutches): You let her go, you here me?

VEGETA: And why should I?

YAMCHA: Eh… because… because I asked first!!

VEGETA: What does that have to do with anything?

BULMA (muttering to herself): Two men propose to me in the same week… how exciting!! But who to choose…? (Sees VEGETA about to blow YAMCHA into the next dimension.) Vegeta, don't!!

VEGETA: Make a choice, then! Either marry me, or Yamcha gets it!!

(BULMA looks from YAMCHA to VEGETA, then back and forth between the two. YAMCHA can do nothing but smile lamely while VEGETA flexes his muscles to sway her decision.)

BULMA (trying to decide between a cowardly, handicapped jerk and an evil murdering jerk): Hmm… I choose Vegeta! (She runs up to VEGETA and kisses him. TANASSA, unable to stand it, gets up from her seat and storms out of the auditorium. YAMCHA is just staring dumbly.)

VEGETA: Ha! I win!! (He blasts YAMCHA anyway; the poor guy ends up in the Home for Infinite Losers.)

BULMA (seems about to protest, but changes her mind.): Oh well. Happy ending time!! (She whips out a comb from… somewhere and lunges for VEGETA'S hair.)

VEGETA (backing away): Oh no!! Stay away from me with that thing!!

THE END?
 
 
 
 

West Capital City : A Vegeta Lover's Asylum

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