Team Rocket, The Rocklickers

    "Where is Trunks, anyway?" Bulma asked.

    Vegeta shrugged.  "In the garden.  With Goten."

    "What are they doing out there?" she walked over to the window, shielding her eyes from the glaring sun as she gazed curiously into her backyard.

     "Licking rocks." came the indifferent reply.

     "What?" Bulma said sharply. "Licking rocks?"  she repeated, a mixture of concern and dismay written upon her face.  "Not my little genius!!"  She threw aside the roll of bandages she was holding and tore her way into the garden, leaving behind a wake of destruction.  Vegeta could only shake his head at the damage left by his wife, and wondered whether all the daily devastation within Capsule Corp. was a result of his own tantrums, or that of his always gentle, blue-haired companion.

    "Trunks, what are you doing?"  Bulma's sheer voice cleaved through the peaceful air.  Squirrels scattered as birds took to the air as the giant footsteps of a mighty, angst-ridden mother rumbled through the flowers.  Angrily, she wagged her finger at her tiny, insignificant son.  "You're supposed to be a smart little boy! What happened to my little Capsule Corp. heir?"  she spat.  Trunks whimpered under the gaze of his mother.  "I did not raise you this way!!"

     Vegeta settled himself comfortably into the chair, straining his ears as he listened to Bulma's high-pitched chiding.  He laughed, slightly amused.  Now that he was by himself, he could finally heal in peace, while she tortured those lesser than herself.  

     "How could you be licking rocks? Why are you doing that? Put it down, now!"

     "Okaasan!" Trunks held up a rock.  "Want a taste? They're pretty good."

     Goten nodded.  "The ones with green moss tastes like watermelon.  The ones with the ants crawling on them tastes like peanuts, and the one with the mushrooms tastes like Mom's dumpling soup!!."  He smiled cheerfully.  "It has plenty of iron!"

     Bulma felt her gorge rise as she looked at the awful, dirty rocks.  They were not in the least bit appetizing and were probably laced with millions of germs.  How on earth could they eat such things? she wondered.  He obviously gets it from his father, she thought with bitter certainty.  Him and his damnable influence.  First he shows them how to eat raw meat, like the dog he is, and then he starts snacking on the grass. NOW look at what his very presence has done to their innocent minds!!  She nabbed the two children's ears, and yanked them into the house.

    "Ah! Hey, mom!! Stop that!!" Trunks whined, trying to detach Bulma's hand from his head.  He squirmed, looking expectantly at his father for some help.  He received none.

    "You, young man," Bulma said sternly.  "are to march straight into the bathroom and clean that mouth of yours with soap!" 

    "But I didn't say a bad word!" Trunks protested.

    "Yes you did!" Goten blurted.  "Remember? You said that 's' word that sounded like 'hit'"

    "No, I didn't, Goten." Trunks said through clenched teeth.  "And if you think I did, then maybe I'll just have to hit you then, huh?"

    "Stop that, Trunks!' Bulma glared at him.  "It's not polite to hit other people. Especially a guest. "  She shooed them up the stairs.  "Use the good soap, mind you.  And I never want to hear you say that dirty, dirty word ever again!"  She called after them.

    "But, Okaasan, I never said that word! And Papa says it all the time! Especially when Son Goku-san's comes to visit!"

    "Oh he does, does he?  Well, I'll just have to have a little talk with him later about that, won't we?"  She asked, grinding her elbow into the Saiyan's head.  " Honestly!!  What kind of a father would pollute innocent, young minds with such trashy talk?  Such a man should be dreadfully ashamed of himself."  Vegeta looked up to meet the burning gaze of his wife.  

    "What are we having for dinner?"  Trunks asked. 

    "Are we having rocks?" Goten added, following him up the stairs.

    "No!" Bulma said, sharply.  She waved them up the stairs.  "You will eat like normal people for once!"

    "Birds get to eat rocks." Goten stated glumly.  "The ducks at the pond said they do.  They say that it's a necessary part of their everyday diet."  He continued to explain up the stairs.  "Okaasan makes Papa eat rocks like that too because she says that he doesn't chew his food properly enough and will choke and then where would she be then?"  Goten's small voice faded as he disappeared around the corner of the stairs.  

    "That brat spends too much time here." Vegeta supposed .  "I think he's beginning to be a bad influence on the boy."

    "Now, Vegeta," Bulma chided. "It's not nice to put blame on other people, especially when that blame may very well have been spawned by a certain other you-know-who in this room."  She eyed him coldly.  

    "Are you implying something?"  He frowned.  

    Bulma shook her head, exasperated.  "Nevermind.  I don't know what's become of Trunks."  She said quickly, switching topics. " I had such high hopes for him.  His I.Q. is generously higher than even the really gifted children.  He's got a good home, a good mother (not much of a father, though), plenty to eat and play with, plus a well-rounded education. When Mirai Trunks first came, I was relieved to know that he would turn out to be a very smart, polite, and handsome young man.  His mother obviously did an incredibly good job raising him."  She looked to Vegeta for some words of agreement, but he seemed not to hear.  She continued on without care.  "He went through so much, though.  Much more than our Trunks has or ever will experience."  She sighed.  "I wonder how our boy will turn out."

    "With Goten speaking to him, who knows how far he'll go beyond licking rocks." Vegeta said sourly.  "He used to be a fine brat until that fool's son was old enough to talk.  Now, he's as weird as them!!  What kind of Saiyan prince is that?"

    "Well, you eat grass..." Bulma smiled. 

    "I do not eat grass!" Vegeta growled indignantly.  "Even if I did, what would it matter to you? It proves nothing, baka!!  I refuse to listen to you!"

    " You know, your breath always smells like freshly cut grass in the morning."  Bulma said sweetly.

    "Oh, shut up, woman." He folded his arms across his chest.  "I'm not listening to you.  I can't hear you at all."

    "I don't want you cursing in front of the kids anymore." Bulma said sternly.  "You have a foul mouth, and I don't want Trunks growing up with one just like yours!"

    "Quiet you.  I will speak however I want."  He stuck his tongue out at her.  "You can't stop me because you are so incredibly weak."

    "Don't call me weak!!  There are so many things I can punish you with!!  Don't think that this is a matter of physical strength, Vegeta."  Bulma hissed, her voice malicious and threatening.

    A loud thump resounded from the top flight of the stairs.  The indignant couple gazed at the stairs in confused astonishment.  

    "Goten, what are you doing?" Trunks' voice cried out.

    "I'm trying to open the door!" came the reply.

    "With your head? You have to turn the knob!"  Trunks sounded irritated.

    "Hai!" Goten amiably agreed.  "Now I've got it, Trunks!"

    Another thump was heard from upstairs.

    "Goten!" Trunks wailed. "What are you doing?? After you turn the knob, push open the door!"

    "That's what I'm doing!"

    Thump!

    "Not with you head, baka! Use your hands! Your hands!!!"  Trunks shouted. A loud shuffling sound ensued.

    "Hai!"

    Thump!

    A pause.  Bulma and Vegeta waited in silence, straining their ears.  The two boys' conversion had grown very soft.

    "Goten?"

    "Huh?"

    "You're not trying, are you?"

    "Yes I am!!'

    "Then do it right!"

    "That's what I've been doing! It's not my fault the door's broken!"

    "Goten! The door's not broken! Look, you have to do it like this." Trunks pushed him
aside.  "Watch and learn."  Confidently, he held his hands out in front of him walked proudly into the door.  The wood creaked, but, amazingly, did not break.

    Bulma shook her head.  "Oh my.... Trunks, you're supposed to be a smart little boy.  You knew how to do that yesterday."

    Vegeta said moodily,  "You know, maybe we should put in a little doggy door or something for them, since they can't even grasp the concept of turning the knob, much less the knob itself.  "

    Bulma swatted him.  "Don't say that about him! That's demeaning and insulting."  She turned towards the top of the stairs and shouted : "Turn the knob, honey!!"

   The children gasped in wondrous awe.  As the door swung open with a low creak.  It was incredible.  Never before had the very notion of turning the metal sphere realized any ounce of significance in their brains.  Carefully, they stepped into the bathroom. 

    "Thank you, mommy!!"

    Bulma scoffed, disappointed at the children's lack of common sense. "Hmph! If that impresses them... they should see what the toaster can do." She said under her breath.

    Vegeta looked at her oddly.  "What's a toaster?"

     She sighed.  "You know, Vegeta, I think your burns are getting a little infected.  The sickness seems to be spreading to your head.  Then again," she paused.  "it had always been there, hadn't it?"

    "What?  No they're not!"  Vegeta snarled, insulted.  "How dare you say that to your king!!  Don't touch me!!"  He warned.

    "Shimatta!!  We have to get rid of those nasty germs before they do something very bad to my poor little vegetable-head, now don't we?" Bulma cooed in a singsong voice.  "I think you need a little help from ....  Mister Iodine!" She held up a large bottle filled with a clear liquid.  "  and... Mister Hydrogen Peroxide!" She held another bottle in her other hand, also filled with a strange, clear liquid.  

    Vegeta looked at it. "What is that supposed be?  Mouth wash or something?" he said as he chuckled. "You think some stupid, funny smelling liquid can stop me?"

    Bulma looked at him, and grinned. She opened one of  the bottles and splashed it into his face. "HYAAA!!! Take that, Mister I-AM-The-Almighty-Prince-not-King-of-Saiyans-I-AM!!!"  She continued her barrage of attacks.

    The iodine splashed onto his arm. "GAAHH! IT STINGS! IT STINGS!" He began running around in little circles around the living room, screaming in pain.

    "Hee hee hee.." Bulma chuckled to herself, splashing more of the bottles' contents onto her beloved husband.  "You know,"  she said sagely.  "If you put hydrogen peroxide in your eyes, the resulting sensation will be equivalent to sticking a lighted match into you eyes!"  She shook the bottle.  "Care to experience it first hand?"

    "AGG!" Vegeta screamed in agony. "BE GONE, FOUL WOMAN!!" He cried as he ran toward the kitchen, seeking refuge from the aqueous cavalry of his wife.

    "What's the matter, Vegeta?" Bulma grinned. "Is the mighty vegetable-man afraid of a few disinfectants?  All they do is kill germs!! You use them on children when they get hurt!!" She burst into maniacal laughter.  She jumped in front of the door, barring the entrance with herself.  "You bow down to me!" She said as she occupied his destination.  "I am BULMA-SAN! THE UNSTOPPABLE GENIUS!  HAHA!! HEAR ME ROAR!! HOH HOH HOH HOH HOH HOH HOH HOH HOH HOH HOH OHOHHOH OHO!"

    Vegeta glared at her, pushing her away from the door as he began to frantically paw at the door knob.  He failed and did not know why.  He stopped, then viscously turned to face her.  

    "I AM THE GREAT, ALMIGHTY PRINCE OF SAIYANS!!!  I will NOT be made a fool by a low class woman like you!!"

    "Vegeta...." Bulma said, in a warning tone.  "What have I told you about yelling titles in the house?"

    Vegeta sneered.  "Your petty, earth rules don't apply to me!  Besides, you're just jealous, 'cause you don't have a title of your own!"

    "Oh yeah? Who says I don't?  I AM BURUMA-SAMA!  HEAR ME ROAR! HOHOHO!!!"  She proclaimed loudly.  For an added effect, she dumped both liquids onto his hair, chasing him into the kitchen, and finally, into a corner where he remained for a full forty five minutes.  

    Note to self, Vegeta thought bitterly. build up a resistance to all the chemicals Bulma keeps in the bathroom.
   

    Bulma listened to the pleasant chatter of birds as they hopped to and fro from one branch to another.   The sun beamed warmly on her, and she sighed, content as she read the morning paper.  She glanced at her watch.  Things had certainly calmed down since the previous display of chaos that occurred only a few hours ago.  One would never imagine that peacefulness such as this could ever be destroyed.  

    The sound of shattering glass broke her afternoon reverie.  Concerned, she called for an answer.  None came.  Alarmed, she threw down the paper and climbed up the stairs.  The bathroom door hung wide open.  The window inside had been smashed through.  Vegeta stood before it.

    "By Kami, what have you done??"  Bulma spat.  "What did you do?  Throw them out the window?  Haven't you learned anything from those parenting magazines I gave you??"  She ran to his back and yanked on his hair. 

    "Damn you, woman!"  He snarled in response, batting her away.  "I didn't do anything!! The brats went and broke the stupid thing themselves. "  

    "They must have run away."  Bulma said, peering out the window.  

    "There's no toilet paper left. "  her husband said curtly.  She hit him with a bottle of detergent.

    "This is no time to be thinking about shitting!!"  She placed her hands on her hips, her face set in a grim expression.

    Vegeta huffed.  "And you yell at me for having a 'potty' mouth."  He turned his nose to the air.  

    "Just go out and find them."  Bulma commanded, ignoring his last comment.  She pushed him towards the window.  

    "Nani?  Why don't you do it yourself?"  Vegeta protested.  He held his hands out in front of him, knowing that there was no possible way he would be able to fit through the tiny, bathroom window.  

    "Because," Bulma said matter-of-factly.  " as Trunks' father you have a responsibility, not only as a parent but as the oldest adult here.  You can sense their 'ki' and fly there. " She suggested.  " Plus, you're big, and strong, and a helpless woman like me would never stand a chance out there all alone." she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Please?" she smiled sweetly.

    He didn't answer.  Bulma's eyes flashed angrily and she shoved, with tremendous force, a very surprised Vegeta out the window.  He was right, however.  The little window was a bit too little, and he promptly got his pineapple-shaped head stuck in the frame.  It was another fifteen minutes before he was liberated.  It would be hours before his troubles were over.

    Trunks stood on top of a huge mound of wrecked cars. He had toilet paper wrapped around him, a red 'R' emblazoned on his chest (via the help of some toothpaste, though the toothpaste did not originally start out as red),  plus dish-washing gloves, and nothing more.

    Goten, similarly dressed, landed next to Trunks, holding a basket.  Trunks looked at Goten sternly, his hands on his hips. 

    "Where'd you go?"

    Goten replied, "I went to buy more roses, and I picked up some rocks on the way."

    Trunks looked inside the basket. "Nice roses, hey!"  He pulled up a brightly colored, sweet smelling piece of rock.  "These aren't rocks! They're fruit!"

    Goten looked at them. "Fruit? Fruit is stupid!! Fruit has no use! I wanted rocks!!" he pouted and threw an apple away.

    The apple struck a man in the face.  His glasses were flung violently from his face. "OW! HEY!"  He shouted, shocked. "Someone threw an apple at my head!! *gasp* Aggh!! I think I'm bleeding!!!"

    Goten and Trunks looked at the man. "Oops," Goten apologized. "Stupid fruit! Look at what you did! Bad! Baaad fruit!  You no hurt people no more! "  He said, in a disciplining tone of voice.  Angrily, he threw away an orange. It sailed into the face of another innocent pedestrian. 

    "AAHHH!!"  He screeched.  " An orange flew up and bit me!!"  He pawed at his eyes.  " The citrus acid burns! IT BURNS!!!!!!" He crouched down on the floor, wailing pitifully.

    "Oops," Goten said once more.  He scratched his head. "Maybe I should stop throwing the fruit..." He peered thoughtfully into the paper bag.  A bright, blue flash of light erupted from beneath them, upturning the smoldering pile of wrecked cars.  Goten and Trunks screamed as they were pitched face first into the rough asphalt.  Trunks squinted as he recognized a familiar figure standing behind a thick sheet of smoke.

    He threw his hands into the air, crying happily, "Daddy!"  His arm was instantly seized as his father pulled him high into the air.  Trunks let out a small squeak,  hanging face to face with his dear, old dad.

    "You're coming home."  Vegeta said sternly.

    "B-but we were just having fun!"  Trunks protested, squirming uncomfortably in his father's grip.  "Tousan, we didn't kill anybody.  We were being good, little boys!  Honest!!"

     "Don't play games with me, baka!"  Vegeta growled.  He dropped Trunks next to Goten, glaring fiercely at the two.  They refused to meet his gaze, staring, instead, blankly at the ground.  "What do you think you're doing? "  Vegeta continued.  "Community service?   Throwing fruit at people's faces and causing unnecessary complications on the sidewalk is the job of the Great Saiya-man." He said sourly.  "Not for you two!!"

    "Hey!! Don't make fun of onii-chan!"  Goten said, frowning.  He stood up and threw a strawberry at him.  Vegeta scowled, but cautiously dodged the fruity missile.

    "Who the hell do you think - " he started.

    "We...."  Trunks interrupted.  He nodded to Goten and they stepped into the shadows.

    "We..." The purple headed boy continued, his head bowed.  "Are TEAM ROCKET!!!!!!"  He pointed up at the sky.  The two boys leaned on each other.  They began to recite their theme:
 

          "Prepare for Trouble," Goten started,

         "And make it double!" Trunks followed.

        "To protect the world from devastation,"

        "To ignite all peoples within our nation,"

        "To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

        "To extend our reach to the stars above!"

        "Goten!!!"  Goten jumped off the pile.

        "Trunks!!!" Trunks jumped off the pile too.

    They both extended their hands and pointed to the sky in a dramatic pose.

                "TEAM ROCKET BLASTS OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!"

                "Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

       Vegeta looked at the two boys in disbelief.  Their pose, their outfit, it was all insane. He put his hand onto his face, embarrassed to be seen with such pitiful, idiotic beings. And they started out with so much promise too.    They were able to transform into a Super Saya-jin at such a young age....Just like Gohan.... He snorted angrily.  And look where he ended up. A moronic fool with an unquenchable desire to pose and dress like a giant beetle.   He sighed sadly.  Would he ever have peace in his life?  He watched as the two boys began to quiver, their limbs tiring from being held in the air for so long.  The ring of a police sirens carried itself above the din of the gossiping public.  An officer commanded him to put his hands into the air as another notified the Great Saiyamen.  

    Home suddenly felt so very far away. His ears ached and he wanted only to be napping in his bed.  Officers circled around them, readying their rifles.   Beside him, Goten cheered at the mention of his brother as Trunks put on the glasses he had stolen from an earlier victim.  Vegeta looked down at his face.  The glasses were too big for him and they magnified his bright, blue eyes to an unpleasant size.  The little boy gave his father a wide, cheerful grin.  Vegeta grimaced and fought down the urge to cry.

© Lilyanna

April 2000

West Capital City : A Vegeta Lover's Asylum

All characters are the creation of Akira Toriyama.  They belong to him and him alone, and no other.